MOTHER’S DAZE


First Posted: 7/30/2013

Over the years I’ve regurgitated reams of (unheeded) parental advice. Finally, I decided I need a little help. Dr. Phil stopped returning my calls, so I called, instead, on my Little Friends of the Library (LFOL) to help me distribute unfiltered gems of insight. They, it seemed, got right to the heart of each matter in about eight seconds flat. So I put my family’s quandaries in their little sticky, capable hands:

Dear LFOL:

I did something really stupid and now I’m punished. I can’t leave the house for three weeks! This is harsh, right?

Alex – 4 and her sister Katie – 3:

Alex: Wow, your mom is really mean! When I do bad things, I get put in my room, and that’s enough!

Katie: Yes. Like when I drew on the wall, I went to my room for five hours and I had to wait until Daddy got home. Mommy kept saying, “Oh Katie, this isn’t good!”

Alex: Daddy punishes us but then he gets tired and has to go to bed early like a baby does.

Katie: You probably shouldn’t get supper or TV, either. Maybe just carrots.

Alex: Ooooo…that was a good answer, Katie.

Alex: Your mom just needs to sit you down and point her finger at you and say, “Never, ever do that again or else!”

Katie: Yeah…that’s good.

Dear LFOL:

I am 18 years old and leaving for college soon. My mother still thinks I am 10 and makes me come home too early. Help!

Caitlyn – 6 ½:

Well, she loves you! That’s why mommies have rules! Maybe your friends can come over only in the morning and that way, you can play in the light hours. Mommies get scared when you’re out at night. But if you’re really bad, you need to be punished. I’d take away your fun things and not let you watch Sponge Bob. Then you will be good again.

DEAR LFOL:

My husband is an idiot. He golfs too much and never does anything around the house. It makes me mad. What would you do?

Madelin – 6:

I would just let the guy alone. But, yell at him if he gets home REALLY late. You may also have to slap him. He shouldn’t stay out late because he has to work a job the next day. And no treats! Okay, maybe just a candy cane and one chocolate chip cookie. He should also vacuum. And he should only golf two days a month and no more.

Bryce – 6:

Your husband needs a time out. Hide his sticks in the basement. And hide his balls in the dryer. And if you say to him, “If you paint the house, I will pay you $1,” that should make him do it. If he does his chores, just give him a very small reward – like tell him he can golf but only for 8,000 minutes and only on opening day.

Dear LFOL:

My bedroom is messy, but I like it that way! My mother yells about it. I don’t clean it because it doesn’t bother me! What do you think?

Lucia – 5:

Well, we need to clean that room. Why? Because we can’t leave our rooms a mess because there won’t be any space to walk. Also, no food in your room. You’ll get bugs. If your bedroom still smells gross after you clean it, you may need to spray perfume everywhere – one that smells like cotton candy. Your mom should make a chart with gold stars and, when you get all gold stars, you could go to Blue Ribbon.

Dear LFOL:

I have been substituting at the same school for 15 years. They won’t give me a permanent job. What should I do?

Scott – 6:

Well, if there’s a sign-up sheet in the gym, you should just sign that and they will let you teach. Talk to the principal and tell him to fire someone so you can have their job. And you should give that principal gifts, like golf balls, Frisbees, lollipops and Bubblicious. Then he will hire you and you will be the best teacher forever and ever.

DEAR LFOL:

I am 22 years old and away at college. I miss my family but when I visit them, everyone gets on my nerves, especially when my brothers chew with their mouths open.

Isabelle, 10:

You really need to have a talk with your family. If they ignore you, you just keep on talking and if they keep watching TV you just steal the remote. Maybe if you give your brothers breakfast in bed sometimes, they would be nicer. If you are really homesick at college, you can always do Facetime on the computer. And if they’re mean, then you just – SNAP- close that computer lid. If nothing works when you’re home, maybe you should just eat in your bedroom.

Dear LFOL:

My wife died a few years ago and I am a little lonely. Can you help?

Andi 5 ½ and Mia 7 ½:

You need to have a really cute pet and you can teach it tricks and that will make you both happy. Like on “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” we saw a dog that says,” I love you.” Maybe you can get one of those. Or an English Bulldog.

Maybe you can also buy a new wife in the Lonely Husband Aisle at the store.

You should always look at a picture of your wife, too. Maybe get a jigsaw puzzle made of her face so you can see her every day when you do the puzzle. If that doesn’t make you happy, try Knoebel’s or a zoo.

Nuggets of young wisdom smack of nothing but truthfulness. Dr. Phil better watch his back.

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