I have a strange and inexplicable aversion to odd numbers, which makes me very excited to welcome the new year! Because I believe in self-fulfilled prophecies, this year will be spectacular. Why? Not because of hard work and flying by the seat of my pants in the direction of success, but because it’s an even-numbered year. And I’m dead serious.
And, it’s resolution time again! From my house to yours, here’s my list of almost-serious and almost-heartfelt resolutions. Get comfy, grab a Krispy Kreme and read on:
1. I resolve to clean-up my language. My mouth is a sewage grate filled with inappropriate commentary and a landfill of naughty words. My father is disgusted with me but I’m pretty sure I learned a lot of the saucier expletives from him. Thank you, Dad!
2. I resolve to be nicer to Nancy. No I don’t. But I do resolve to be nicer to him in public.
3. I resolve to socialize more. I’m an unapologetic homebody who loves nothing more than to curl up in bed with a bag of Goldfish, a bottle of ginger ale and “Real Housewives” playing on the screen before me. But, my friends have lost patience with my lack of perceived merriment, so as soon as all Housewives are on hiatus, I will meet everyone for a cocktail. As long as I’m home in time for my bath and in bed to catch the back-to-back nightly episodes of “The Big Bang Theory.” Do I really have to explain my hierarchy of priorities? You get me!
4. My daughter is making me say I will resolve to release control. What?! If she means to not control the cleaning of the oven and toilets, then I’m all over that decree. If she means letting go of the micro-management of the placement of furniture, or life as a whole, or her wedding, then we have big problems. Who’s ready to let it all go to hell in a handbag?! Not this cursing control freak, I’ll tell you that.
5. My coworkers tell me I need to resolve not to be Super-Assumption Girl. That is, able to leap to tall conclusions in a single bound. They have a point. The other day, my boss came out of her office and said, “I have an announcement to make.” I shrieked, “I’m fired?!” She said, “No, we need to order more DVD cases.” It’s a curse.
6. My co-workers are also forcing me to resolve to give them more credit for column ideas. Credit bestowed. Now leave me the hell alone, Jen and Anne. Media whores.
7. I really do resolve to eat better. Eat a better brand of sugar-coated cereal for dinner.
8. I resolve to tell Nancy I love him more. The more he remembers to put down the toilet seat, the more I will love him.
9. I resolve not to say to bartenders: “Oh, let’s just make it a double, shall we? Save us both some time and effort in about 10 minutes.”
10. I must resolve to stop FaceTiming my son at college and then try to ground him for things I see peppered around his room during said FaceTime. But honestly, can’t he hide contraband like all the other kids do? That should be his resolution.
Now Happy New Year to all and to all a happy, joyous, even-numbered 2016! Make it a double.
Maria Jiunta Heck of West Pittston is a mother of three, a librarian and a business owner who lives to dissect the minutiae of life.